Living in Guidance

This morning, I heard one of GD’s sessions that took place a couple of weeks ago. I missed that call – Living in Guidance. But the moment I heard it, I knew I couldn’t have heard it sooner or later. It had to be heard at the right time. It had to hear when I was ready. It is much like what has been occurring in my life the past few months. Health-wise since Feb, I have hard time. Anxiety, fear, panic, weight-loss, a sensitive para-sympathic nervous system, IBS- the mind threw it whatever it could, even convinced at one point that it was the end. What made it worse was the awareness that I was creating it. And then despite the fear, I began to move towards the one thing that has always changed the way I feel; I began to move towards trust, move towards my god, Sai Baba. GD and so many others, worked their hardest with me and behind the scenes. While I was absorbing all they said, ‘I’ was still trying to change things. It was only when the ‘I’ receded and I said “Baba, you take care” that things began to shift.

While I was meditating one day, Sai Baba took over the meditation and soon he began guiding me. But I was unwilling to listen and the days since have been alternating between trust and the ego saying, ‘no you cannot do this’. My faith though is so strong, that I return to Baba multiple times a day, asking him to guide me, asking him for his help in even understanding what is happening. And today when I heard GD speak about living with guidance, I was able to understand and process what is happening with me a lot better. Everyday is a way on, towards god, towards trust, towards simplicity. And anyone can do this by listening to the guidance we receive all the time. Some call it intuition, some call it the voice, some call it a thought.This talk by GD can help you understand and hone your guidance. Stay blessed.

The gift of discomfort

A couple of weeks ago, I experienced a mini anxiety-attack. It came after a long gap of two years. I thought I had broken all ties with anxiety, tapped all remnants of it out of my system, and bid it a grand goodbye. And so when it knocked on my door again, I was flabbergasted and very uncomfortable. Here I was teaching others how to cope with anxiety and get rid of it, and it had the audacity to visit me again!

Since I started this spiritual journey, life has been interesting. So instead of the usual panic, I actually sat back and looked at it. The first visitor was the why. “Why did I get it again? Why is it still part of my life? Why did I have to always endure this?” “It is because you are unwell with a stomach bug and are weak,” chimed in another thought. “Why?” whined the third. Get the picture?

And then, in marched my spiritual training. “Its all in the mind,” said the mind. Instead of crying or panicking like I usually do, I found myself with a body which had all the necessary spiritual knowledge but was struggling with awareness. I turned to a friend and meditation. It was only then that the answers started rolling in and with it GD’s lesson – “Whatever you choose is for the moment. This moment is the only truth. Stay ‘now’ with what you feel, tomorrow if you feel different or after 5 mins if you feel different, it is OK. Just look deeply at what this moment is and honour that.”And then, just like that, I was comfortable.

You see the thing about discomfort, physical or emotional, is that it is a signal to look deeper. The moment you stay with your discomfort, allow your body to feel it, and explore it, you usher in great clarity, which is followed by peace. Invariably all spiritual inquiry leads you to guilt, fear or shame. These are the primary three emotions that cause us discomfort. But to keep you trapped the mind will never look at what caused these emotions, it shuns and rejects anything that frees us from its trap and moves us towards freedom. And that is why we feel being comfortable is normal and uncomfortable is something to fear.

This precisely why it is necessary to re-train the mind and body. It is necessary to know and believe that this discomfort is part of a larger process of learning. Discomfort means there is a lesson in there somewhere, a movement from where you are to where you can be. It turns a nuisance only if you fight it and refuse to let it leave you with the message it carries. Discomfort is really not bad because time and again we have seen that great literature or inventions are often the product of discomfort and strife. Yes, discomfort can fuel you, but it is your choice if you burn or glow.  Use it mentally and you burn, use it spiritually and you glow.

One of the simplest lessons I have learned from GD is to resist nothing. Everything is just an experience in the end and so is this one. A beautiful quote I read yesterday spoke about how a seed must crack, break. lose parts of it so that it can grow. How true is that! We have to break ourselves, endure the cracks, and the falling of bits of us to be able to bloom. Discomfort can really be a gift. But only if we allow it to be.

Wasting my day

The first thing that someone usually asks when they meet you is, how are you? This is usually followed by – what are you doing lately ? Increasingly, I find that this is a difficult question to respond to. Questions such as why are you so busy and what do you do for a living also fall under this category. Because the truth is by the standards of the world I have been doing nothing. Why? Because almost all my days (with the exception of a few) fall under the non-remunerative slot. And so in today’s times when we have spent so much time, money, and sometimes effort, on gaining socially valuable education degrees, the very act of not earning or not working seems like a bad choice for many. So in response I am forced to either say that I am a writer (because I still do write) or that I am a housewife. But the former immediately makes people view me as someone special and the latter gets me looks of such pity or disgust that I have refrained from using it lately. The thing I have understood is that – if you are not doing something that earns you money people quickly dismiss you and assume you are wasting your day.

Wasting your day… How many of us live our life filled with the need to make every moment worthwhile; make every moment momentous, and every second move towards a purpose or a goal. Our culture promotes the notion of
work = worth. And most of us have absorbed this as a truth. I know friends who are scared at the idea of leaving work because 1. they believe money is needed and 2. They have studied so much that they believe they need to work.

But lately after walking on the path, I have changed quite a few notions related to this. I have chosen to no longer work for a living. I have chosen to have a life instead, and do work whenever it pleases me. It dawned on me, last week, that it had been 4 years since I quit active journalism and I have absolutely no regrets. The year before I quit was the best year of my career and yet it brought me the greatest amount of stress and emptiness than ever. Why? Because I had not wasted my time. I was too busy trying to capture it and frame it with my accolades of success.

And so I decided to change my life and do the very things that bring me peace instead. Music, dance, reading, lying down staring at the sky- the things the people usually associate with wasting time, I realized are the very things that bring you joy. As human beings deep down we all pursue only one thing- happiness, and work rarely equals to happiness for most. And so off-late all I do is waste my time doing what feeds my soul and I find that the universe plans my life is such a way that my stomach is fed too.

I waste my time in photography, gardening, reading, learning new energy healing techniques, practicing what I learn, playing with my son, creating art, cooking and keeping home. And I find, I am leading a fuller, more meaningful life than many, many people I know. After all we have such less time on earth and what better thing can I do with it than make it flow in a way that adds joy to my life.

This is not to say that I advocate people make the choices I have or quit their jobs. But I do hope that someday people will be able to stop, breathe a little deeper and let go of their need to dam, race against, or defeat time. What we believe is wasting our time may in the end just save our lives instead. So whenever someone asks me what I do, I have decided to just smile and say nothing. Another seeker on the path recently posted this on his blog, “when someone asks me what I do, I say – Nothing. I stay at ‘om’.” And that is exactly what I do off-late 🙂

You think any of this is real?

This is not a year-end review. Walking on a path to discover myself, move closer to myself and my true nature, one thing has become evident. To be bound by time is silly. This is an endless, timeless process of movement, and to mark or measure it against the end of the calendar year is silly. And so this is just a reminder and a record of where I am on the path right now. This blog started off as a personal journal. Over time it became my way of passing on my insights, lessons and observations to the world. Now as I move inside, it matters not if anyone reads this. But if someone does, I hope it helps them live their lives more meaningfully and mysteriously. I hope that you look beyond the things that make you sad or happy; I hope you look closely at yourself. Who are you is more important that who you are being right now. But in the end even that is just a story. You are a story, I am a story, Life is a story…But something is not. And that is what I am searching for now.

It has been almost two years since GD came into my life. I was not looking for a Guru or teacher, I was looking to connect with myself. And probably that is why at first I resisted visiting GD. I knew my life wouls change the moment I met him. All my lies and dramas would have be to shed and I was not ready for it. But apparently I was because I did choose one day to finally go meet the man, whose words were changing my life. In the year and half since, life has become an exploration, as adventure. Not the intimidating, fear and anxiety inducing, stressful, frustrating, challenging journey it was. All the triggers which caused this remain, but the responses have changed for good. Life is a dot. A tiny blimp in the cosmos and yet it is the very thing that created life, this universe, what we can see and all that our human mind can’t see.

I have come unstuck and I find that I am floating through whatever life brings my way. I cry, I ache, I laugh, I smile, I worry and it all ends. Because GD laughs in my ear, “you think any of this is real?” I look for God inside everyone. I rein in my judgements when I find I am listening to them and instead peer inside me for what it is inside me that I find reflected in this person ahead. And I find the answers more often than not. Oh yes, I still feel guilt and blame and all those useless emotions piled on me since lifetimes. I have not yet broken their bond, but I find that I am watching myself and understanding myself more than I ever did. If I get emotional or angry, instead of letting them flow senselessly, I can look at the cause and work on it quickly. I allow my tears to flow and my stupid jokes to bore. I am more comfortable being myself.

I find that this journey inside began with and is directly connected to my relationship with my body. I know when something I do is going to cause some reaction in my body. Sometimes when I lose touch with myself as it often happens), I find a response in my body. Sickness now makes me look inside me to see what is it that I am suppressing or ignoring, and this I have seen results in a quicker recovery.

I am trying to remove my bonds from everyone around and setting them free. And oh my God, how hard it is! But when you consciously interact with others and look at them as part of you, relating does become the focus and not trying to control them or prove yourself or let your insecurities dictate the conversation. This I have found is the hardest part of the journey- letting go of people and your expectations of them and their real/imagined expectations of you.

I always believed in God. But instead of expecting someone above to make my life better- living with greater awareness, understanding that I am not just this body-mind, chasing spiritual goals instead of material ones, has set me off in the right direction. I am moving towards light, I am living hand-in-hand with my teacher. Today I don’t know why but I feel the need to send a prayer from my heart out to everyone alive on earth. May you find your teacher, may you find your guide. It is such a blessing to have a teacher; I wish this blessing on everyone today.

Thank You, GD. Always and Ever.

Staying on course

Whenever I step away from my truth, Illness draws me back inside. It makes me re-connect with the fragility of my body and take a good hard look at what I consider real life. Being sick is my body’s not-so-sly way of banging my head against a wall and telling me to relook the direction I am headed in. It took me long to wise up to my body’s way of keeping me on my spiritual path. But I now have begun to see that every time I have fallen sick are the times when I have been extremely connected to the mind, living from a space of ego and have been disconnected with my true spiritual nature. And my body does not like that. Thank you for not keeping up pretenses.

Most of us live these unreal lives chasing our thoughts round and round believing everything that happens in our lives is as meaningful and lasting as the moment we are in. Blink and your moment has passed, life has passed, lifetime has passed and your soul is presented another new chance to grow. Growth is what takes me back to the source. Shows me the reality of life, which is impermanence.

It is so easy to get lured back into egos, choices, unfulfilled desires and blame games that I keep falling into the trap again and again. I am glad I fell ill and out of the trap. It is time to learn and practice and stay on the journey.  Spirituality is a long-long-long road, tiring, confusing and extremely satisfying. I just need to put on my blinkers and stay on course.