From the past few years the role of a seeker has been the predominant identity I wear in front of the world. Does this mean I am an enlightened one? Far from it! People usually get on the path when they battle some inner demon or physical challenge. Anxiety has been my bane – I can’t step out of the house to do something new without anxiety, I can’t travel out of Pune without my husband, I get hyper anxious when I have to care for someone unwell, I dread hospital visits… It has left me with physical issues that prevent me from living a so-called normal life.
But thanks to the path, I am learning to accept what I see as my biggest weakness. I am learning the lessons and Grace the experiences of anxiety bring. Some moments I am a broken one, believing in littleness, helplessness and weakness. But my recovery time from an anxiety episode has dramatically shifted since I turned to my faith. No, it’s not one God, an idol I turn to. It’s an inner Divinity, a peace, a knowing I turn to, and I bounce back faster now. I have a circle of friends who hold me steady in truth. They remind me of my inner strength.
I am a woman who has had the challenges all women experience. I have had anxiety since my childhood. I speak about God and Spirit, not religion, at a time when the world is being divided more and more by religion. I speak about faith, when most people think it’s uncool to do so. I am sometimes strong, sometimes weak, sometimes angry, a lot of the time funny. A fierce mother, an over-attentive wife, a still struggling DIL, a protective daughter, a cool sister, a patient friend, a forgiving human, an anxious entrepreneur, a willing writer, an enthusiastic dancer, a creative therapist… And I am none of the above. I am nothing.
That last bit, is the identity i want to remember. I am nothing. Because in that nothingness, I am free to be as God chooses for me. And how do I know what God chooses? I know it from the peace it brings me… From my childhood bringing peace and laughter to other hearts has been a part of that. That’s why the line ‘ I am only here to be truly helpful’, a line from ACIM means a lot to me. All I can do is discover the truth and share it with everyone.
I don’t know why this post comes today. But it’s a celebration of some sort I guess. It’s a wish for everyone to move beyond their belief in their littleness, limitations and weakness. We are more than we know ❤️