“Shall I do some silent clearing, he asked?”
Yes, we both said. Readily agreeing. I muted myself. I heard my friend do the same. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout. I wanted to be angry. I did not want to show any of this. I knew he would sense all this, and I desperately tried to change my thoughts to hide my jealousy. How could he be talking more to her than me? We were on the same call. A teacher was not supposed to take sides or have favourites!
“No, he will never take sides.” The truth in me tried to whisper. But the emotions raged on inside. I wanted to behave like a little child, but I was struggling to be adult. How do you hide from the person you have to come to lay bare your ego? A spiritual teacher knew it all. It was foolish to play games with him.
And yet here I was doing just that. Listening to him, pretending to be normal, even as the war raged inside me. The words spoken had not registered inside. I will listen to the recording I told myself.
It took me two days to return to the recording. I could sense the resistance. I could see that I was avoiding the audio. The audio held the truth I wasn’t ready to hear. I knew the words could rip apart the shroud of ignorance I was adoring myself with. But I couldn’t avoid it anymore.
The words were again met with resistance. But I cajoled the petulant mind to comply. “Please listen,” I urged it. “This is for my growth,” I reminded myself. As the words trickled first into my ears, then into my awareness, and finally into my being, I felt my resistance dissipate… bit by bit. As I heard the conversation, I realized that my teacher had answered all my unasked questions in my conversation with my friend.
Shaken, I paused the audio. Why did I think I knew better? Did I really know what was in my best interests? Who could know my best interests better than God? I thought I spent much time in life wanting my teacher’s attention, his grace, his approval, showing him ‘I deserved it all,’ I was a good student. And yet, in truth, I spent so much time chasing opposing goals. I avoided what he said. I found flaws in his behaviour. How could I forget he was simply a symbol of the Truth? Why did I always make him a person?
In this situation with my teacher, I had not perceived my own best interests. Did I ever? Returning to the audio, a sense of gratitude filled my heart. For my teacher, for God, for Truth. As the audio ended, I sent out a prayer to God. Never let me stray from Grace because I really don’t know know what is in my best interests.