Lesson 22: What I see is a form of vengeance

I mopped the floor with more force than necessary. The broom swished and sloshed across the floor leaving more puddles behind than was necessary. “Careful Gaby. You might slip and fall yourself,” said Cindy kindly. I sent a smile her way, even as I wished Craig would come and fall down instead. What an idiotic boss! All I had asked him was for a day off. Instead, I had gotten a lecture on how students made bad employees. That we had no sense of duty and responsibility. I had an appointment with the dentist! I wasn’t planning movies with my friends! But as though he got that.

Stepping back, I dashed into the bucket, sending the water cascading around the store. Oh God! If Craig came now he would surely give me an earful and then some. I didn’t want more lectures. I had heard enough for the week. I hurriedly mopped up the mess. There wasn’t a second to waste. He could come anytime now!

I watched the mop soak up the water. I wished it would soak up all my anger. I wished it would soak up all my troubles. That moment, I wanted my troubles to disappear like the water disappeared into the mop. Then I remembered Mother’s words. When I had told her about my troubles with Craig, she had reminded me of what the Lord said about forgiveness. I wasn’t sure if I could forgive him, but I surely wanted to stop being afraid of him, and being worried all the time. I seemed to be spending my day thinking up snarky responses to Craig that were left unsaid, or anticipating what he would say next, or remembering old experiences and feeling angry. I was quite tired of this. I wanted to let this go. 

Mother had made sense. My mind was working against me all the time. All I saw when I looked at Craig was an angry, vengeful world. I felt attacked by Craig all the time. But I was attacking him all the time with my thoughts too. Is this the world I really wanted to see? A vengeful world? Where we all hated each other? No. I believed in the Lord’s words. This could not be real. Nothing around me was permanent. Nothing would last.

Standing back, I looked at the squeaky-clean floor. I wanted a clean mind, free from thoughts of being hurt or hurting others. Maybe it would take time, but I was ready to change.

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