Lesson 18: I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing

Dear S,

Wanted to share something interesting with you. From afternoon, I have been wanting to fight with you. I have noticed that when I feel down, I am really in a closed space. Can’t take any form of feedback. I know you will say I am always closed, and I will say look who is talking! See I really want to fight with you!

Let me get to what I wanted to write. My ACIM lesson today is ” I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing.” I wanted to write the daily story on that and didn’t know what the hell that means or how I could convey this in a life situation. Then my mind went to you. And then I understood the lesson! 

I know you see me in a way I don’t see myself. Sometimes you might see me with love, sometimes with anger, sometimes with bemusement, sometimes with frustration. Truth is, all this is my imagination. I don’t know how you see me. The times I do feel you see me are the times when something about me slips into a conversation which I am not originally a part of. Like when you came and told me, “I don’t get you mother and son etc.”, or “I want to take Mom for a check-up but you have your own problems about it” or when I share my vulnerability about having an awkward conversation with a maid and you respond saying I don’t hesitate to have awkward conversations with family, or when you get angry/irritated/( I don’t know what) when I talk to GD. 

At such times I feel you are seeing me wrong. That you are not really seeing me for what I am. You are seeing me based on what “you are feeling” at that moment. And yet, I am experiencing the effects of what you are seeing. I can feel your irritation or frustration or that you are not telling me what you really want because you feel I won’t hear you or I will fight. That hurts me and frustrates me more. 

But this is true for me as well. When I am angry and seeing you as unkind or unloving, you feel it too. And that is what ACIM probably means. “I am never alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing.” Our thoughts consciously and subconsciously impact us. Others are impacted by our thoughts even if we don’t show it in actions or words. 

I wanted to share this. I also wanted to request a little more honesty and communication from you. When you leave things half said or don’t openly communicate with me it just makes me feel like I am a horrible person and that is why you won’t talk. I wish you would see that. I know you have beliefs like I don’t listen to you, but I request you to be a little kinder and patient. I am being the best person I can be, at all times. Sometimes that best is a whiny, scared, poor-me woman. Sometimes the best person is a glorious being who sees that no relationship matters more than the one I have with God. Most times I am in-between. 

I know you are always being your best too. I am sorry if I make you feel otherwise. The purpose of this email is to share and help make things better and not bitter. But you don’t like me talking too much. So, bye for now.

( A real email based on what I was feeling, seeing and learning that day. If you like this and want to read more like this, do visit the Lessons of Love page.)

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