This blog was for me and about me. Somewhere with spirituality, came a very strong and large spiritual ego. A “I know” which began to pervade everything I did and I strongly began to believe I know. But now I know that I don’t really know what I thought I knew. Ha ha ha.
The past two months have been a personally tough time. The seeds of this was sowed way back last year and I didn’t even notice it. It somehow takes a physical crash for me to begin to pay fresh attention to how I have wandered off from myself and the truth. How I begin to live in a world of dreams and imaginations believing every thought I have to be its own reality. I had wandered off from faith and began to believe in that I was somehow responsible for life, that of mine and others. And that has brought with it this hardness, this struggle, this physical turmoil and an intense return of fears, anxieties and panic.
Do I know better now that I need to stop resisting this, stop trying to quickly get rid of it and instead work on it, allow my body to feel the sensations as my mind works out the issues? I hope so. I need to haul attention away from my continually chattering mind which is full of negative fears and focus on what I remember. I need to unlearn how I did this this last time and dwell fresh into simple things that will bring me back to God. No this blog, this life cannot be about what I can teach others. This is about what I learn This journey is about me moving the I am not this body-mind information to awareness that I am not this body mind.
Every time I am unwell and fall into this pit of fear, I wait to be rescued. And it has never worked. There is this beautiful line in the movie Manjhi- The mountain man. “Bhagwan ke bharose mat bhaito. Kya pata Bhagwaan harame bharose baita ho” (which can be loosely translated as -Don’t wait for God to come rescue you. Who knows he maybe depending on you instead. ) It is time to rescue myself.