Lesson 36: My Holiness envelopes everything I see

Lesson 37: My Holiness blesses the world

“Senseless. Useless. You sent me here. I want to go back to Mumbai.”  The messages appear rapidly on my phone. Somehow, the anger did not rise. Instead, I felt a wave of compassion. Two days ago, I had been scared when he messaged about not wanting to live. That moment had passed, but this moment now he is still struggling. Mental health issues are not easy for anyone to understand. For years, I had tried to understand, deal with and manage his issues. He was not my kid but my cousin. And yet when he was born, I had felt like a mother. Back then, at 24, I was old enough to be his mother.

What a journey it had been. Carrying him in my arms for his first injection, his first teeth, his first words, his first steps, his first birthday, his first preschool and then those words from his teacher, calling him a slow learner. Those words had set us all on a journey we never anticipated. For years after that I have seen him as flawed. Seen him as broken. Something that needed fixing. From remedial classes to therapy, from medicines to homeopathy. From fighting with family to make them understand to choosing to step back because the pain was too much to bear. It had been a long journey. Now, we lived in different cities. But the change was not in proximity. The change was in the way I saw him now. After 16 years, I wanted to see him differently.

How different are those with autism spectrum disorders? Are they crazier, instable, violent? Are they less human than me who broke down with anxiety last year? Is it possible to see them as whole? Yes, my heart reminded me today. We are all whole, complete and perfect.

On the phone, I browsed to old pictures of him. He was an adorable toddler. Picking up the phone, I dialed his number. Aunt answered it. “He has gone to sleep early. He ate less and slept. Must be the medicine,” she said. I felt a wave of guilt. They had seen him as perfect for years. Even now, my uneducated aunt struggled to understand his medical diagnoses. She struggled with his moods and behavior. I had seen him as flawed. Not today. He felt perfect to me as he was. Moods and all. I remembered the sense of completion that I had sensed during meditation.

That completion was everyone’s legacy. He was as complete as I was. He was as holy as I was. God lived in us all. Closing my eyes, I beheld him as perfect. Divinity resided in all our beings. No one was more perfect than the other. Humanity may be flawed, divinity was not. My Holiness blessed him. As I prayed, it extended from me to him. It moved further and blessed the world. Everyone deserved peace. It was our true inheritance. As I opened my eyes, I prayed for the ability to always see him thus, to always experience his holiness and mine.

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