I have come to this Holy city to atone for my sins. I have come here to lose myself and find you. My list of wrong doings runs long. I see myself as a mean person. I see myself as a selfish person. I see myself as uncharitable. I see myself as needy and greedy and incapable of love. Isn’t that how I have lived my life? Have I ever been your child? Have I ever really done as you would? Have I ever based my life on your will? I don’t think so.
Today sitting here on your hallowed ground, when the stranger at the coffee-shop told me, “your mind is part of God’s. You are very holy,” it felt like someone was making fun of me. And yet his words pierced through me. He had in that instant declared me as someone sinless. How could he see that in me, when I can see myself as someone who is so flawed? I have acted as though I own the world. I have spent more than half a lifetime thinking I am better than others. In my charity has been a superiority, in my giving a scorn. I, the superior one, was giving to those who didn’t have. Not that they deserved it, not that we were all One; brothers meant to share your treasures. No, I have been the great one.
Yes, life broke me down. Brought me to my knees. Took away my riches and my pride. It brought me to you and to truth. But peace always eluded me. Why did hearing the words of that stranger first bring fear and then bring peace? Why am I fighting this peace?
I would rather be full of you, a part of you, than of me and my ego. That is true. I see myself as fake. But if my mind is part of you and I am holy, can I see myself like that? Can I see myself and others with your eyes? I don’t know what this means God. Today I end this prayer with a request, help me know what this means. Amen.